Leaning on the Holy Spirit

My church has signed up for an online video Bible study library (RightNow Media) which gives the congregation access to a great multitude of teachers and their guided studies of God's Word. Tonight as I sit on my bed after a day filled with phone calls to coordinate doctors appointments, testing, and even dealing with paperwork & attorneys for my court hearing next week regarding my application for disability.  I sat down and decided to take a break and 'fill my spiritual tank' so to speak. 

I had previously been watching a series on suffering, but tonight I clicked on the first session of a study called 'When God's Spirit Moves' by Pastor Jim Cymbala. I honestly don't even know why I picked that because I normally complete one study before starting another. Anyway, I'll try to get to the point I want to share, which is this...Tonight amidst the chaos and the beauty that are both part of my life, I was reminded that just as God the Father sent Jesus to redeem us, Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to Indwell in us. We don't just have to be in our head all the time, reading and rationalizing the Bible and trying to figure out how to apply it in our lives, how to use it to help ourselves, and to share it with others. Fortunately, the Holy Spirit actually communicates to us with feelings and emotions, He guides us & encourages us when we are in need of comfort. 

I don't mean to sound weird to those who haven't experienced this, but I'm almost 40 years old and there have been times that I can physically feel the presence of the Holy Spirit.  Oh how I love Him! 
These experiences make me love God even more for caring enough about me, about us, to send us this helper who speaks to our hearts. What I love the most is the fact that like the book 'The 5 Love Languages' by Gary Chapman, the Holy Spirit knows us through and through and speaks to us in our individual love language.

Tonight as I listened, I could feel emotions bubbling up inside me, I knew the words of the Pastor were meant for me, for my situation today, and to remind me that as a Christian, I have a constant companion who loves to speak to my heart if I will slow down and listen.

I'm sure the Holy Spirit feels different to different people, but tonight I felt peace...like it washed over me and immediately took away my stress and anxiety over my circumstances, I didn't feel alone (though no one else was in my room), and I felt joy, which is an emotion that intellectually feels counterintuitive to my circumstances.

I feel Joy, not because I'm happy for my health or life problems, but because I am reminded that I serve a big God, who will never leave me and who cares enough to send me a comforter.

When I feel the Holy Spirit, I feel safe in an unsafe world. And as the study was coming to a close, and I was feeling this Peace, Love, & Joy, they played a song by the choir at Pastor Cymbala's church, the Brooklyn Tabernacle, tears of joy fell from my eyes because I knew that I'm not alone and I am loved...and the Lord and God that I serve loves me enough to allow me to feel a glimpse of His love for me from time to time, just when I need it most.

These are the moments that are hard to explain to an unbeliever who has not been lucky enough to experience this. But if that is you, let me encourage you to seek out the Lord. Life is becoming a challenge in one way or another in most people's lives, and you don't have to do this alone.  I believe that we are made by God to have these relationships, it doesn't make is weak to need them and experience them, it makes us complete.

In my room, I prayed with tears running down my face, thanking God for being present in my life in many ways; God as my Father and Protector, Jesus as my Savior and Instructor, and finally the Holy Spirit as my Comforter and Encourager....my own personal life coaching team.

Nothing compared to what I felt tonight, and I don't get to feel it all the time, though I wish I could, but it is there when I need it most. Peace in the midst of a storm.

Tonight I pray this for anyone who reads this post. May you ask to feel God's Supernatural presence and receive it in your own personal love language. May the interaction be significant to you and help you to know that no matter what comes your way:

1. You are not alone
2. God will help you through your trials
3. You are loved more than you can possibly imagine and your emotions, feelings, and thoughts are important to God

If it can happen for little ol' me, it can happen for you. Try it, what do you have to lose?

As Christians I think we forget about the very real power of the Holy Spirit, who is 1/3 of the trinity and because of that, He is also God.

At your conversion you were sanctified and became a home for the Holy Spirit. God is inside you....me too....we must let that sink into our psyche. The power of The One and only Creator is inside us. We should not be afraid, we should not walk with our heads down, we can walk tall, no matter what we've done, because God can see who we want to be in our hearts and it pleases Him beyond words to know that you want your life to please Him! The intention of our heart is most important to the Lord, and thankfully He can see through all the distracting junk so He can speak His love directly to us!

I'd like this long post to end with a prayer to my mighty Lord from His humble servant.

Thank you Lord for reminding me of your abundant love for me and the fact that you have a plan for my life! I pray that my story/testimony will help someone to understand you a little better. I ask that you would touch those who read this in a way that would be undeniably you. May Your Holy Spirit fill us, guide us, and be our comfort and compass in life. In Jesus name, Amen.

God is bigger than my last experience

Hello blog world!  I've been out of touch for a year or so and I was amazed to come back to my blog to see that people are still reading my older posts and I've gotten several direct emails over the past year from readers encouraging me that what I write is effecting people around the globe.  This has been a blessing to me as I've been traveling through a rough patch of life that left me in a place where I had to step away from the computer and blogging and focus on my health and my family.  I'm not sure at this point how often I'll post, but I'm hoping that it will be weekly (Lord willing)  Thank you to those of you who have hung in there and Welcome to those who are new and reading this!

Today I read a post that said "God is bigger than my last experience" and this got me thinking about the fact that our emotions and experiences often distract us and get us discouraged and off track.  For me personally, I believe that at least for this season in my life, pain and illness is my experience...or like the Apostle Paul called it, his "thorn in the flesh".  My experience or 'thorn' is difficult....it hurts, but I have a choice.  I can focus on the pain, on the things that I can no longer do, on the people who have left my life because living around someone with a chronic disease isn't always 'fun', or..........I can force my brain to look outside of how I feel, whatever the last experience was that was difficult or disappointing, and focus on the fact that God is good, He loves me, He has helped me to get through days I never thought I'd make it through, He has given me the gift to love people in spite of their past or the things they have done to hurt me, He gave me the ability to have compassion for others who are hurting and to be able to communicate and reach out to others in need.

The following is hard at times for me to swallow, but the very fact that He has ultimately allowed every bad thing that I've experienced, He is using it for His glory and my good.  You might wonder how and the answer is this; I have an understanding and compassion for those who hurt (both physically and emotionally) that only comes from walking through those deep valleys of pain.  I can look someone walking a similar road in the eyes and tell them that I get it.....my experience may not be exactly the same but I understand the struggle, the fight, the fatigue, and the need for support, and they can see in my eyes that I understand something that most people don't ... only because I've been there.  This is the beauty from the ashes (which for me is the death of my life as I dreamed it before illness and injury which included an adventurous life and many children), my gift is to be used by God to be His Hands and Feet on Earth...loving people, and it is a privileged and honor.

God IS bigger than my last circumstance! And my last circumstance is just that.....a circumstance.  And yes, sometimes they are truly difficult and even at times life altering....but PRAISE GOD....circumstances can change!  God's story for my life and yours is not yet over.  Many of us are only part way through the story of our lives and beautiful things can still come from broken circumstances.

I'm amazed as there is a very large field of grass that contains Elk and many other wild animals that they put in a controlled burn each summer.  They burn a large section of it and when I first see it (even though I've watched this process many times) I first look at the charred blackness covering the ground and feel sort of sad, but it only takes a few days and new life is growing from around those ashes.  And right now I can drive to that same field that was burned about a month ago and see the lushest green grass that you can imagine, and all the wildlife is in it, around it, and over it.....enjoying its bounty.

So, it's good to remember that as believers, God has a hope for us, for our future and even if our circumstances look bad and pretty charred, God will bring beauty out of the ashes, he will put a song in our hearts and gift us with things we can't yet imagine.  We must hold on and have faith in times when all we see is the scorched earth, for that is NOT the end of the story!  New life is growing underneath our feet!  Have hope, be at peace, and learn to trust in your Faith in the Lord above your circumstances!  That is my goal!

God Bless!

Jessica

Using Heat and Massage To Treat Chronic Pain

Do you suffer from pain or chronic pain associated with Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, an Autoimmune Diseases?  Thousands of people do.  In this post I am going to share with you how I use heat and massage to help manage some of my symptoms.


I struggle with several medical conditions (including Lupus and Arthritis) and the following are remedies that I use myself and have found to bring me relief.  It is my hope that you will discover something in this post that you have not tried, and that you will experience relief from your painful symptoms.  And the best case scenario would be for you to feel that your overall quality of life is improved by implementing some or all of these remedies.

I believe wholeheartedly that God has allowed me to suffer in order to bring me closer to Him, to share what I'm learning, as well as to encourage others who may be walking a similar road to know that there is hope. This post may also be of use to those of you who are trying to care for and/or support a loved one that is living with chronic pain.

No matter how or why you are suffering from chronic pain, the reality is that we have to find ways to cope with it.  Sometimes medicine is not the answer (e.g., it does not work, the side effects are not worth the benefits, you are allergic, or you just want to take a more natural approach to pain management). 

The following are two options that I have found to significantly help me with my chronic joint, muscle, and connective tissue pain that for me is caused by Lupus and Arthritis.

There are a few different ways that I use heat. The top three are listed below:

1.) Heating Pad - Sometimes I use a heating pad (I have the kind that has a thin foam insert that can be wet, rung out, and placed under the heating pad cover to provide a moist heat).  This is best for targeted heat therapy for one or more parts of the body.

2.) Heated Mattress Pad - I also have a heated mattress pad that goes over my mattress and under the bottom sheet.  I like this better than the standard heated blanket.  Two of my most difficult times in regard to my body/joint pain is at the end of the day when I'm first going to bed and laying flat and then again in the early mornings right after I wake up.  I often say that I feel like the Tin man (needing some oil in my joints so they start to work).  This heat helps to relax me and reducing body stiffness...as well as just keeping my warm.  I am very sensitive to cold temperatures and being cold increases my pain.  A nice feature that many of these heated mattress pads have is dual controls, one for each side of the bed. 
 

3.) Hot Bath/Hot Tub - A good soak in some hot water can go a long way in relieving my sore joints and connective tissue.  This also helps to relieve stress, which is proven to cause and/or exacerbate painful symptoms and flare ups.  If you can combine your soaking time with aroma therapy (using essential oils in the bath water), some candles (adding to the peaceful ambiance), and some soothing music...even better!  Of course if you are a Mom, the first thing you'll want to take care of is getting someone to watch the kids so that your bath time can be uninterrupted.  (I know, I know....but it's worth a try!)

Everyone is different regarding what they are comfortable with when it comes to massage.  For me I would never go to a massage therapist because my skin is so extremely sensitive that I fear the session would leave me in too much pain. 
 

On the other hand, I know many of you will be comfortable using a professional massage therapist,  which is great!  I would just suggest asking for someone who has experience with Lupus or Fibromyalgia clients. 

If you are like me, I've found that with some careful instruction you can work with a person that you know and trust (a friend, spouse, family member).  Just be sure to talk before you begin and have an agreement that if something starts to hurt that you will have a way of letting them know.  (You can talk about possible responses to that scenario before the massage begins so that you are prepared should that occur)  You can learn together what works and what doesn't.  For me, a certain area that is sore can be massaged and feel great and in an instant the feeling can change from good to painful.  I now know that for me, if this happens, I want to move to another area of my body.  I may or may not ask to return to that area before the massage is over, it really just depends on how long the pain remains.  It is sort of a trial and error process that gets better over time. 

Although this process can be a little tricky and take some practice and patience, I believe it is very much worth it.  Regular massage can greatly increase the quality of your life and minimize your painful symptoms.

I hope this information is helpful to those of you who know what it is like to live with an Autoimmune Disease, Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, or Chronic Pain.

Sharing what works is a way we can help each other to succeed in living with chronic pain.  Do you have something that works for you?  I'd love to hear about it!

Purpose Amidst The Pain - God's Wisdom

Have you ever wondered WHY God has allowed pain and suffering into your life?  I know I have!  In July (2011) I wrote about my personal journey with chronic pain and said I would be writing more about it (as well as writing about living in circumstances that we find unpleasant).

The bottom line is that no matter whether you feel life is difficult, not fair, painful, or just confusing...there is often an innate desire within us to find the purpose.

In The Beginning...

I feel that to give you some perspective on my opinion regarding this matter, I need to first show you where I start when it comes to this subject.  I begin at the beginning....Genesis.  

When God made Earth and Mankind, there was no sin, no death, no separation between God and man.  God walked in the garden with Adam and Eve.  They had eternal life...in a perfect world.  There is a reason why we have an internal desire for a life without pain, suffering, sickness, and strife....that kind of world is the one we were first made to live in!

^"God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. God blessed them..." Genesis 1: 27-28

^"God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good." Genesis 1:31

"The LORD God planted a garden toward the east, in Eden; and there He placed the man whom He had formed. Out of the ground the LORD God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil." Genesis 2:8-9

 

 In Genesis chapter 3, Adam and Eve were tempted and fell victim to the serpent's lies and therefore ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, which they were expressly told not to eat.  

"The LORD God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.”  Genesis 2:16-17 

Once this occurred, it changed the fate of humans and their life on Earth forever.

God told Adam and Eve that their consequences for their blatant disobedience to His instruction would be physical and spiritual death.  Spiritual death happened immediately - Adam hid from God and was aware of his nakedness and separateness from God as he was afraid of Him for the first time (Genesis 3:8-13). Physical death happened immediately as well - His human body began to die once the fruit was bitten.  This was the beginning of sickness and death (Genesis 2:17; 3:19).

From these first human parents, our DNA was changed forever.  Every generation from Adam onward would experience physical suffering, the decay of the human body and the vulnerability of the immune system.  In addition, mankind would live in a different kind of relationship with God, no longer together in the garden...but separate and in need of a Savior. 

Additional consequences were given as a result of eating the forbidden fruit. Mankind was expelled from the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:22-24) which was self sustaining and perfect, providing them with all the food they would need for survival via seeds and fruit (Genesis 1:29; 2:9).  Being outside of the garden also meant they would be unable to walk in a physical and unhindered fellowship with God. (Genesis 3:8)  The land outside of Eden was hostile and mankind would now have to work laboriously in the fields to provide the food they would need to survive (Genesis 3:17-19).  Women would now have pain during child birth.  There was also a shift in the role of a wife after the sin of eating the fruit.  She would have a desire of equality with her husband that would not be met, as her husband would now rule over her (Genesis 3:16).

Do you think any of these consequences of that first sin might contribute to your pain and suffering?  Would you have your current circumstances or trials if you were able to walk in the Garden of Eden, being in fellowship with God the Father and eating of the fruit? 

I had mentioned before that I believe that in order to really understand a purpose for our pain, we have to go to the beginning of our story.  Because of the first sin, and the way it changed the world and our lives, we live in a world that includes sin, death, injustice, crime, disease, heartache, and disappointment.

That is the bad news, but the good news is that the story doesn't end there.  God sent the Redeemer, Jesus Christ, and He comes to give us abundant Life.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10 

We are instructed that even though we are required to live in this post-fall world for a time, the redeemed must keep our thoughts and our focus on Jesus and on the eternal life that He has provided us through His sacrifice on the cross. 

"Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory." Colossians 3:1-4

We also must remember that God loves us more than we can even comprehend...that's why He sent His Son to be a sacrifice for all our sins to take the punishment for our crime. Even after Adam and Eve sinned, after He had to destroy our wicked world with the flood...he still loved us!  God wants to bless us, and He made sure that would happen for each of us who choose to follow Him!
 
^"Sing praise to the LORD, you His godly ones, And give thanks to His holy name. For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:4-5

So, you may be wondering, if God loves me so much then why is He allowing me to suffer?  One reason He allows such things is because we are subject to the consequences of sin in our current world.  That is why He has promised us a new world that we will live in for eternity.

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea. He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.” Revelation 21:1,3,4

The reason for suffering is 
not the same for every person or circumstance.  ONLY God knows the true reason, but the bottom line is that nothing happens in this world without God allowing it to happen.  That doesn't mean that it was His original desire for us (he showed us His original design in Eden).  

God does promise His people that He will give us strength and comfort to endure life this side of Heaven. 

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:28-31 

"No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

God will cause good to come out of all of our bad circumstances if we are His.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 

Sometimes God allows pain and suffering for the purpose of bringing other to Him or to bring Him Glory, which is a way of sharing Him and His ways with others.

In John 11 you can read the story of Lazarus, the man (a friend of Jesus) who died and Jesus brought back to life.  Jesus knew that Lazarus was deathly ill because his sisters Mary and Martha had come to Him and told Him. He was deeply troubled when Lazarus died because He loved him and his family. But there was a greater purpose, if he had just healed Lazarus in the beginning it would likely have only effected his family and maybe a few in his community, but raising Lazarus from the dead is a story still told 2,000 years later!



We may never know the details behind the 'why's' of our suffering this side of Heaven, but we can trust that none of it is a surprise to God.  We can trust that God will give us the strength to endure and if we let him, the courage to come through it victoriously.  We can't be overcomers without trials to overcome.  Sometimes the biggest testimony is to be going through things that are obviously too difficult to endure alone (to you and to those around you) and for God to give you His peace and joy right in the middle of it all.  


Having strength to endure, courage to continue going forward, and the faith to give all your emotions about your circumstances to Christ and replacing them with His peace, joy, and love.....these are acts that give Glory to God.  This process is supernatural!  It takes us laying down our earthly cares, hurts, and feelings and replacing them with supernatural gifts that come from The God of Love.


Focus on Jesus....someday you may know the reason behind the hurt, or perhaps you will lose your desire to want to know, but either way you will be in relationship with the One who made you...who also happens to be the only One who knows you fully and has the ability to heal you from the inside out.


My prayer today is for all of us who have suffered in our lives, that we would be able to stop focusing on everything that hurts or all that is bad and replace it with the promises of God.  That supernatural peace would wash over us...and in the middle of it all we would find Joy....abundant Joy....the kind that makes us smile.  May we take all of our cares to Jesus and ask Him to take care of them, knowing that we are leaving it in capable hands.  May God bless our efforts of obedience and may we bring Him Glory.  Amen.

Finding Joy In The Midst Of Your Circumstances

This past week I enjoyed some time with good friends. We had time to share details about our lives and talk about some very 'real' issues of the heart.

Have you ever been visiting with someone and you say something or give advice and later realize that you need to listen to your own advice? I do it all the time. It is so easy to encourage someone else, but be needing to do exactly what you were just talking about for yourself. We can encourage faithfulness and pray for peace, joy, or healing and need it all in our own lives.

As we were talking I said something that I later sat back and thought about in more detail and realized that it was one of these examples.

I was sharing that I believe that JOY and peace are issues of CHOICE.  

We can have them in spite of any CIRCUMSTANCE,  

if we choose to!

Lets first define what JOY is:

JOY
1. The emotion evoked by well-being, success,
or good fortune or by the prospect of
possessing what one desires

2. a state of happiness or bliss

3. a source or cause of delight

How do we find Joy?  Here is a scripture that tells us:

Psalm 16:11

"You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with JOY in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." (emphasis mine)

We will find JOY in the presence of God!  Not by having a great house, job, car, or by having the best husband or best behaved children....THERE IS NO EVENT THAT EVOKES OR CREATES THE JOY OF THE LORD EXCEPT BEING IN HIS PRESENCE!  I think in our culture we wait for events or circumstances to effect our emotions in a way that creates a temporary feeling of happiness and we confuse that with what true JOY is.  

The beauty of this is that we can choose to be in God's presence ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, NO MATTER OUR CIRCUMSTANCES.  This gives us the ability and the freedom to be joyful (because it is coming from God) when we are sick, when we can't pay the bills, when we are being treated unfairly, and when we are sad.  

We don't have to wait for an emotion, but we do have to become active in our efforts to be in RELATIONSHIP with the One who made us and saved us!  I can pray, I can read my Bible, I can sing songs of praise...no matter how I feel!  Many times these actions will bring about new emotions.  

Next time you are feeling the need for some added JOY, try some of the following ideas:

• Get in the Word - Pick up your Bible (or find one online...I even have an app on my cell phone).
• Take Time To Pray - Get away for a minute, even if you just have to shut yourself in your room or walk into the back yard, and take some quiet time with the Lord.  Tell Him your heart.
• Read Scripture Out Loud - Read some scriptures aloud that remind you of the goodness of God. (Isaiah 30:18, Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 34:19, Proverbs 16:3, etc)
• Listen and/or Sing Songs Of Praise - Put in a good worship CD and sing or listen to songs that remind you to focus on God's Goodness.  If you don't have worship music, head to one of the internet music sites (Pandora.com, Playlist.com, etc) and create your own playlist or station...they're free!
• Call Someone To Pray With You - Call a friend or family member and ask them to pray with you!  Prayer is a powerful thing and the Bible says in Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three have gathered together in my name, I am there in their midst."

If you follow the Biblical instruction of finding JOY in His presence, you will find happiness and JOY.  And the more that your true desire is to be close to God, then the faster you will feel abundantly JOYFUL just by spending time with Him...no matter what is happening in your day to day life.

Why is Joy important to have?  The following scripture shows us that a benefit of having JOY from the Lord is STRENGTH!  I don't know about you, but I could use all the strength I can get to walk through this life! 


Nehemiah 8:10  

"Do not grieve, for the JOY of the LORD is your strength." (emphasis mine) 

He has also given us the Holy Spirit to help us to understand and follow God's Will (John 14:26) and all we have to do is say YES, I choose to accept these gift from you Lord. I no longer want to allow Satan to control me with fear, stress, and worry and I will CHOOSE instead to take those thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and replace the enemy's schemes for evil with God's gifts of blessing and freedom.

The Bible does give us some instruction on what to think about in Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report - if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, think on these things."

When we are more focused on God, and our inner Spirit is relationally connected with God, we will experience JOY, peace, and love because we can rest in Him. 

LORD, I pray that you would help us to be in Your Presence more often no matter how busy we think we are.  Help us to remember that Satan has a plan to keep us too busy for you, let us not fall prey to his schemes.  Be with us, be our strength, and be our present help in our time of need, and let us live our days in abundant JOY.  Let our hearts, our eyes, and our desires to be set on You, that You will show us that loving and serving you is all we need because you will do the rest!  Amen.

My Struggle With Chronic Pain

A little while back I posted an article called My Invisible Disease which I got a lot of feedback on.  Because this seemed to be a subject that so many could relate to, I wanted to write a little more on the subject in hopes that someone will be encouraged or at least know that they are not alone.

I plan to write a few posts on this subject matter, so I thought that first of all I would give you an idea of my history so that hopefully you will see that I indeed have experience with the things that I will be writing about regarding living with chronic pain.

I suffered from severe migraines all through High School, College, and the early years of my adult life (they improved once I had my son, but I still have them on occasion).  In my early 20's I suffered for over a year with ulcers (not knowing that is what it was) and later I found out, after finally going to the Dr., that I had over 40 ulcers!  Of course that was able to be cured with medicine once diagnosed, but when I moved 2 years later and was still complaining of stomach pain and gastrointestinal problems, my new Dr. discovered I had gotten rid of the ulcers but now had gall stones.  That was an intense pain, but was relieved by having my gall bladder removed.

When I was 25 I injured a disc in my spine one day while bending over to pick up a blanket, yes...I was simply bending over, nothing in my hands yet, and I felt a sharp pain shoot through my body.  That was the beginning of a very difficult and trying time of my life...that has effects that are still with me 11 years later.  

My back pain began to get better but I began having hip pain that soon stretched from my hip to my pinky toe.  I eventually found out that I had permanent nerve damage in my right leg.  I endured countless treatments, and many surgical procedures.  In the end I now have what is called a spinal neurostimulator which is sewn into my spine and sends electrical impulses to my brain to help to distract it from the pain.  

I could not stand up straight, or walk straight.  I crawled on the floor many times because I could not stand.  I was labeled by my Doctors and Surgeons to be permanently disabled and the likelihood of my working or walking normal again were slim.

To say this was discouraging would be a gross understatement.  You see, I was a single Mom, trying to support myself and my son and I was also a woman who had found much of her identity (in error, but that's another blog) in her work.  This left me with internal struggles as well as practical ones.  I struggled with grief over the loss of the life I thought I would have and the activities that I loved so much that I would never be able to do again.

My prescribed medicines gave me terrible side effects, one of the worst was severe gastrointestinal problems (I had all the symptoms of Crohn's disease but was never diagnosed with anything other than IBS--which I've since learned just means that they don't know.  Again, that's another blog in itself.)  This left me at 108lbs, which for me is very skinny...my bones were sticking out and I had such severe stomach cramping, even after drinking water, that many times I passed out.  

It was horrible beyond horrible...I could not imagine living the rest of my life this way.  At this point of my life I was staying with family to help both physically and financially.  I didn't want to live like this....and I definitely didn't think I could live like this forever.  I struggled to find peace and joy in the midst of my circumstances.

I had never gotten mad at God, but had wondered WHY....WHY ME, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THIS, WOULD IT EVER STOP?  

One day, while my son was in school, I was curled up on my bed crying (which I always saved for times when my son was gone) because of what had now become years of severe mind blowing chronic pain.  I was having a little talk with God in my prayers.... 

"God, I know that I keep asking you to heal me, I know I keep asking how long...when will it come, will I ever be 'normal' again, will I ever find a husband to love me (and my son) if I am like this for the rest of my life....BUT God, I get it now, you want me to just TRUST you...plain and simple...no matter how long, no matter 'if' my healing comes in this life, no matter what happens in my personal life, no matter how many more bills I seem to have than money to pay them....NO MATTER WHAT!  So, I SURRENDER!  I SURRENDER!  I see that I keep wanting control of the answers and you want me to have FAITH, so from today forward I will try my best to worry less and TRUST MORE!"

I wish I could tell you that I was healed overnight, I wasn't...but over time I was getting more relief from my implanted neurostimulator and was able (about 2 years after my implant date) to drastically reduce (and eventually totally stop taking) the massive pain medicines that I had been using for years.  And even though the Dr's were all insistent that these medicines were not the cause of my gastrointestinal problems, guess what....about 6 months after terminating their use....I was able to eat more regularly.  I gained enough weight to be healthy again.  And although I was still in pain, it was manageable.

I believe that the beginning of my return to independence started with the prayer I mentioned above.  A year later (now several years since my injury) I had moved back to where I had previously lived, had my own place, had a job, and was once again independent.  I was not pain free, but again...I had new expectations...I wanted only to have pain levels that would still allow me to function.

About 4 months after going back to work, feeling like I was regaining some sense of 'normal', I went to the Dr. because I had been waking up with pretty significant joint pain and having muscle weakness that had caused me twice to fall down the stairs in my home.  I was diagnosed with Lupus...talk about a blow...had I not just gone through several years of terrible pain and agony?  Wasn't I just FINALLY beginning to re-enter society?  

As my Dr. told me the news I could not help but to just cry.  I knew what Lupus was, I have several extended family members with it.  I just stared at the floor as the tears came down and I finally looked at the Dr. and said, "I can't do this again.  It's too much...it's just too much."

Because God is good, I believe that he had led me to this exact Dr. many years prior.  This Dr. has been through all my surgeries and major health problems with me.  This Dr. has a wife with Lupus....he gets it.  I will never forget what he said to me that day, he said, "Jessica, you CAN do this!  It will not be as hard as what you just went through but you will have difficult days, but when they're happening you will have to focus on the fact that they won't last forever.  YOU CAN DO THIS!"  

It has now been 7 years since my diagnosis of Lupus.  I have also racked up a long list of other issues, which include but are not limited to heart problems and rheumatoid arthritis.  There are a lot of secondary issues, which I like to call 'hitchhikers' that like to jump on the bandwagon when you have an autoimmune disease.

I was able to keep working for 6 years, and I no longer work, but I'm remarried and have the job as wife and homeschool teacher.

Because this is so long, I won't go into the 'how' I get through my daily life with nerve damage, Lupus, and all the problems I listed above, but I will tell you this....I'M STILL HERE!  Although I seriously questioned it at times, it is true that God will not give us more than we can handle.  I confess that I was really disappointed that I could 'handle' so much *smile*, but I did, I do, and I am....

I am not without pain, for sure, but I can walk...and they said I wouldn't be doing that.  They said I wouldn't work again, but I did.  My point is this, Doctors do their best to give you a diagnosis and a prognosis that is accurate, but none of them know for sure the plans that God has for you.  Even if they say you will never get better, they may be wrong.  Remember the old saying, "It's always darkest before the dawn."

Philippians 4:13

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Just in case you don't read my later posts, I do need to tell you that without my Faith, and even more importantly, my Relationship with Christ, I could never make it through my days!  I believe I would be dead.  I had two times where I almost died in the past 11 years...and I believe that prayer is what kept me alive and sane.

If you can relate to my story...maybe not nerve damage, maybe not lupus, but perhaps you can relate to the pain, the struggle, the wondering how you will make it through...please be encouraged that it is possible.  After almost 3 years of what felt to me like hell on earth, torture, and a breach of the Geneva Conventions by my internal body....I was getting discouraged that if things hadn't changed by then....they never would.  But I was wrong!  (I've never been so happy to be wrong in my life!)

Years ago I had the following quote taped to my computer monitor - "If it's possible, it's probable."  

If it can happen for someone, then why not me?  Why not you?

Psalm 31:24

"Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD."

My Invisible Disease.

I have an invisible disease, several actually, but the worst of them all is Lupus.

I've been struggling with a flare up of epic proportions (which is also why I have not been posting a lot recently).  This has made me think of several things, knowing that I am not the only one who suffers with an illness that you can't easily see.

If you have one of the many invisible diseases that sadly plague a large percentage of people, or you love someone who suffers from one or more, you will very likely be able to relate to this post.

For those who aren't familiar, here is a list of some 'invisible' diseases, this is by no means a complete list, however it will give you an idea:

• Anxiety/Panic Disorders
• Autism
• Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
• Chronic Pain
• Coeliac Disease
• Crohn's Disease
• Depression/Psychiatric Disabilities
• Diabetes
• Epilepsy
• Fibromyalgia
• Food Allergies
• Heart Disease
• IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome)
• Lupus
• Lyme Disease
• Migraines
• PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
• Rheumatoid Arthritis
  
• Sleep Disorders
• Sjögren's Syndrome
• Ulcerative Colitis

What is an Invisible Disease?

Some may call them a disease, others a disorder, and even others are referred to as a disability or condition, but they all have one thing in common, the person who is afflicted does not easily appear to have anything wrong.  They don't walk with a cane, use a wheelchair, talk with sign language, or use devices to assist them which makes it obvious that something is wrong.  To the average person, they would appear healthy or similar to a person without illness.

Who has these Invisible Diseases?

About 10% of Americans have a medical condition which could be considered an invisible disability.^[1]  Nearly one in two American's (133 Million) has a chronic medical condition of one kind or another.^[1]  Most of these people are not actually disables, as their medical conditions do not impair normal activities.^[1]  96% of people with chronic medical conditions live with a condition that is invisible.  These people do not use a cane or any assistive device and act as if they didn't have a medical condition.^[2]  About a quarter of them have some type of activity limitation, ranging from mild to severe; the remaining 75% are not disabled by their chronic conditions.^[1] lk

  

What is it like?

I cannot answer this question for anyone but myself, but when I was younger, before having any of the physical problems that afflict me today, I was athletic and very active.  Adjusting to a life that cannot include my favorite activities was very difficult.  And even though I am in my 11th year, I still have times of grieving over the activities that I'd like to do but just can't due to either physical limitations or lack of energy.

I look 'normal' and healthy, so I get strange looks at times from people who I assume just think I'm lazy or dramatic.  During church services, I cannot often stand through the entire worship section.  My knees and my hips rebel as I stand gripping the pew in front of me....singing....and often secretly praying that the pastor will instruct everyone to sit.  But on the occasions where he does not, I am forced at some point to sit down when everyone else is still standing.  I see the looks....they look judgmental to me.  I imagine them thinking, "How disrespectful."  "Does she not see everyone else in the entire church (minus a few elderly people) standing?  What's wrong with her?".

Stairs are not easy for me to climb, not because I'm lazy and out of shape, but because my knees, hips, and sometimes muscles fail to comply with my instructions.  And I've fallen more times than I can count (yes, a few times have been down a flight of stairs).  But when I take an elevator, people don't know what is happening on the inside of my body...they see a woman in her mid-thirties that looks healthy.

I have to make daily decisions that most people take for granted.  Chores have to be split, as doing more than one or two in a day will cause me to pay the following day.  I can't stand at the counter to put my make-up on, for many years now I've put it on while sitting down with a hand held mirror.  Hair styles have to be maintained without a lot of standing time.  Showers need to happen in the evening usually because I don't have the energy to shower and put on make-up or brush/fix my hair without a break in between.

My Doctors and my husband have encouraged me to get a handicapped sticker for my car (and to use the motorized scooters in the stores) because it isn't always easy for me to walk through a store....and yet my pride stops me because I already get enough weird stares, I can only imagine what people will think when they see me getting out of a car in a handicapped spot.

Activities for my son are limited.  He can't play 2 sports at once, and sometimes we can't even play 2 in a row...because the constant driving and traveling to practice and games, wears me out.  I hate that!  Events that happen across town are often out of the questions, unless someone helps with driving.  (I have a wonderful friend who for a long time split driving to golf practice with me!  She'd take the kids, I'd pick them up and take them home....if she hadn't have offered this, my son wouldn't have been able to golf!)

Time with friends is limited.  I can't have energy for my family and my friends...I usually have to choose one activity or the other.  A quick morning coffee break isn't so easy since my body screams in pain for the first 2 hours after waking.  Moving is a challenge early on in the day.  I've often said that I wake up feeling like the Tin Man....with rusty joints and needing some oil. 

I like to be outside, activity and sun are good for most...but I have to find the fine line between enough and too much.  Too much sun will make me sick, even to the point of vomiting with a Lupus flare up.  You will often find me in the shade.  Too much activity can make my joints inflamed and my muscles and connective tissue irritated, which can make it hard for me to walk or move for several days.

I am in a great deal of pain on a regular basis, still trying to go about my day like everyone else.  Attending schooling events, going grocery shopping, worshiping at church, praying with others at Bible Study....smiling, even though I hurt.  You may catch the occasional grimace, but I'm usually pretty good at keeping it inside.  

I feel, as many like me do, that no one understands what it is like to live everyday in pain.  A good day is not a day without pain, I cannot even recall the last day without pain, a good day is a day where my pain is manageable. I have learned to adjust my expectations.

What can I do for someone with an Invisible Diseases?

Try to be understanding the next time you see someone who may look 'fine' or 'normal' who is using the elevator instead of the stairs, who's sitting during worship at church, who is parking in the handicapped spot, who's using a scooter at the grocery store.

If you know someone has one of these conditions, offer prayer and support, give compassion, if you're going somewhere together...walk a little slower, and if you are led....help in practical ways.  Help them grocery shop, mow the lawn, keep in contact because it is a daily battle.   

I've had many surgeries, but one that I had last year was known to my Bible Study group and friends.  For a couple weeks I had a meal delivered every couple days after surgery.  It was wonderful!  People sent cards, called asking how I was doing, and really blessed me as I recovered.  This was the most that had ever been done for me out of all my surgical procedures (which is somewhere around 12-15...I've lost count).  This was so beautiful and helpful, and yet....what about the other procedures?  What about the times I miss church, miss school functions, miss an outing with my girlfriends, or even a family day?  

Sadly my condition will not get better like the flu or go away eventually like the chicken pox.  Without divine healing from God, I will continue to have this for the rest of my life.  Just try to imagine being sick that long.  Just try to imagine how discouraging that would be at times.  Put yourself in someone else's shoes just for a while, then maybe you will know how to help.

Due to Grandparents, I had learned compassion for their needs as they grew older and their bodies were deteriorating, causing them pain.  I never imagined that at 25 I would begin experiencing problems which I thought I would have at least another 30 years before dealing with.

How do you cope?

I pray a lot!  God has been my refuge and strength.  I've cried, been angry, been depressed, told Him it isn't fair, and even thrown a temper tantrum or two while praying (not my finest moment, but real none-the-less).  And just like the old 'Footprints in the Sand' poem says, when I was the weakest, He carried me.

That is how I get through each day, sometimes having to focus on getting through each hour....Jesus.

My friends are a blessing, and so many times I've seen them being the hands and feet of Jesus, bringing encouragement, love, and acceptance.  

Parents, Siblings, my Husband, my Son, and other family give their love, prayers, and support, but none of them meet all my needs.  None of them hear every cry, count every tear....None but Jesus.  He is the One and only that I know will never leave me or forsake me!  

He is how.....I live, He is how I can still find joy, He is how I can find the resources to love others in spite of myself.....He is how!   

If you struggle with or suffer from an invisible condition, I pray that you feel encouraged to know that you are not alone!  May the God of Perfect Peace be with you, giving you Joy and Gladness, Hope and Thanksgiving...right in the midst of your pain!

I don't want to close without saying that i don't think you should ever stop praying for healing!  God tells us to continue asking....in faith!  So, I will continue asking and believing for healing...either until I am healed or I am in Heaven!

There is a good story that explains what it is like to live with Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue (or many of the diseases on the list above).  It's called the 'Spoon Theory'  it has helped me to explain my situation to friends and family in a way that is easier to understand.

 http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

Footnotes

1. "Chronic Conditions: Making the Case for Ongoing Care". Chronic Care in America: A 21st Century Challenge, a study of the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation & Partnership for Solutions: Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore, MD for the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation (September 2004 Update).
2. 2002 US Census Bureau

Amazing Fellowship

I am blessed to have a wonderful group of women friends....this top photo is only a small portion from my Tuesday night Bible Study group.  We are women of different ages, different denominations, different marital status', and different personalities, and yet we all fit!

I am also blessed with another group of friends, which come from other sources....be it parents I met while my son was playing a sport or in a club, or women I met from working with them.  I am blessed BEYOND BEYOND in the realm of women friends.   I wish I could post a photo of every one of them....but surely some will threaten my life if I posted photos without their permission.  I'm already walking a line with the one at the top...because we women can be so picky about these things.  Ha!  (I only know because I spent a whole day after my wedding crying over photos that people had posted to Facebook which I thought looked terrible and I was pretty sure I just wanted to die....yes vain...yes terribly ridiculous...and yes....true.  So Sad really!)

Ok, back on track.....I have been feeling the loss of my fellowship of friends since having surgery.  I haven't been attending church, going to Bible Study, or even being in the same sort of regular contact that I normally am with my friends.  I miss them....AND....I miss the way God uses us to lift up and inspire, encourage and admonish, love and support one another!

I had a friend call me this last week.  She knew that my throat was hurting since surgery, so she called and said right after my 'Hello'...."I know your throat hurts, don't say anything...I just want to pray for you!"  How awesome is that right!?!?  This friend is battling heart wrenching trials of her own, but this is how I believe God designed us, especially as women....to minister to each other in a way that we understand.  The way that a man might call touchy feely.

I had another friend who took me out, as I was not ready to drive yet, to shop for a Birthday gift for my husband....I had been having some rough days....and as we stood in the card isle we laughed so hard that I was crying and was seriously beginning to worry that I might wet my pants....she was bringing me the funniest cards.  They didn't pertain to my husband's Birthday, but they were funny and we both needed a good laugh!  We felt like it was good medicine!  I felt like a school girl laughing with my best friend over something secretly funny to only us....and truth be told, if I were to show you the cards we laughed so hard at the other day....they might not even seem funny now.  But in that moment they sure did, and I think that God knew that we both needed a good laugh!

I have been blessed with phone calls and messages from Alaska, to Canada, Hawaii, and local friends lifting me in prayer and offering words of encouragement.  

Though I have walked through many trials, God has been FAITHFUL to bring along those to encourage me in my journey.  

Friendship is a blessing, and tough times show you just who your true friends are....the ones to walk through thick and thin....who show up when life gets ugly and standing beside you isn't like a trip to Disneyland.  I believe that God teaches me how to be a better friend myself by the examples of friendship around me. 

I think the old saying is true, 'if you want to find a good friend, you must first learn to BE a good friend.'  I'm not sure who said that or where it came from, but I believe it to be true.

Who might you be able to encourage today?  I'm inspired to bless someone....how about you?

THANK YOU TO MY FRIENDS WHO CONTINUE TO FAITHFULLY STAND BESIDE ME AND LIFT ME IN PRAYER! 

I would love to hear your ideas of how to bless and encourage others.  We might just spark a movement of blessing...sort of like doing the 'wave' at a baseball game.  (do they still even do that?)

May God bless YOU with a friend that is handpicked by God to be a great blessing and encouragement!