Recently, I seem to be thinking a lot about the circumstances of life and how they end up the way that they do.Why are some people healthy and others suffer with chronic sickness? Why do some people leave their spouses and their children? Why do parents who want desperately to have children struggle to get pregnant? Why do some people seem to lash out and hurt the only people who have reached out to them? I have seen these things and I find myself wondering.... Why?
As many of these questions have bounced around in my head over the past several weeks, I am reminded of a lesson that God began teaching me many years ago when my life looked much different than it does now.
You see, several years ago I went through a very tough time physically. I suffered for years in intense and unrelenting pain. I went through multiple surgical procedures in that process and as a result I was not able to keep working to support myself. I went on disability and had to move in with family. (This by the way was a very hard blow to my ego) In this process I had to give up most of my material possessions and leave all of my remaining 'things' in a storage unit while I lived in someone else's home. I was not able to do the things with my son that my heart desired so desperately to do. I was blessed with helpful family, but heartbroken over the lost memories with my son.
After a couple of years of life like this, I found myself trying to make a 'deal' with God. "God, could you please just tell me how long life will be like this? If I could just know that an end is in sight, even if it is still a long way off....it will be so much easier for me." God did not answer my question. So, after a few months I tried a different approach, "God, if you will just tell me HOW things will turn out, I won't ask WHEN it will happen. And that will help me to make it through this time." Again, God did not answer my question. Sadly I must admit that this wasn't the end of my questions....the next one was, "God, I don't even have to know HOW it will work out, just tell me IF it will work out?" (Oh the things we do in desperation) And yet again, God did not answer my question.
I found myself wanting DETAILS....I pride myself in being logical and so it seemed to make perfect sense to me that if I could just have some of the details....not even all of them, I could cope, I could find hope and joy and peace to make it through whatever was ahead of me....if only God would give me some details.
God did not answer me the way I so desperately wanted him to, but he did begin to teach me something totally different.
One day Regan was at school and I was in my room all by myself. I was in a lot of physical pain that day and I was curled up in the middle of my bed with my knees and my face on the mattress. I was crying....I was actually sobbing but my face was in the mattress because I didn't want anyone to hear me crying. As I pressed my face into the bed I cried out to Jesus and said to him, "OK! I get it, I give up.....no more of ME Lord.....You don't have to give me answers to my questions.....I need to trust you no matter how LONG, how TOUGH, or what the OUTCOME. You are Sovereign, Always, no exceptions.....I must lay it down at your feet and T-R-U-S-T! Please Lord give me the strength to do this!"
I would love to tell you that I had an immediate sense of peace and healing, but it was not that fast. God began a journey with me that focused on showing me that I do not need to know ANYTHING except for who He is. I can see that if God would have given me what I was asking for originally, I never would have stretched my FAITH muscle. I had nothing to hold on to but Jesus....my Jesus.....and it was truly all I needed.
Today it is almost 7 years since that day I cried my eyes out, and although I have experienced victory over most of the ailments that plagued me at that time, I am fighting new health battles.
My most recent issue had me worried for my life and I found myself once again crying .... because I was afraid ..... because I didn't know what would happen .... because the unknown is still a very difficult place for me to be. Oh how I wish that once God teaches us a lesson that we would never forget it in our 'faith muscle'!
I can say that I felt the still small voice inside of me reminding me that this was no different than the fears and trials before. I was reminded that God doesn't love me any less that he did 7 years ago, He is the same yesterday, today, and forever......and He will lead me and guide me whatever should come my way! He will not leave me or forsake me. In Him I find my Peace, Rest, and my Eternal Security.
Because of who He is, God is patiently working the "Why, When, & How Long" out of my regular conversations with Him. I am a stubborn student, but He is a wise and merciful Teacher.
After that long story I am brought back to the questions that I typed out in the beginning of this post. My questions didn't all have to do with health. I'm discovering that often when I find myself wondering 'why', I feel as though God is leading me to stop 'asking' and just trust Him. No matter what the puzzling circumstance, I can and should seek God to see how I should respond to the situation but then I need to quite my urge for answers and trust that as God sees fit, He will provide me with what I need to know at the exact time that I need to know it.
"Lord, teach me to learn how to completely trust in YOU and in Your timing, despite what I may see and hear. Search my heart Lord and help me to learn from the examples that you have given me both in your Word and in my life. Less of me, and more of YOU!"
